As dinner was coming to a close Thursday night,
as I disgruntledly (yes, that’s a word) set down my spass after bite
-ing a final big bite of my tasty spud soup,
I pondered the sblagh I would write about hoops.
Lebron would be going to Chicago to win,
but checking my computer, much to my chagrin,
I found he’d be playing with Bosh and D-wade
in the state quite well known for its wet everglades.

Ok, if that didn’t hook you, I don’t know what will. Much like the great Dr. Seuss’ delightful children’s books, this years free agency was full of colorful, floofy trees, environmental friendly bearded men, and various discolored breakfast foods. Lebron James is the green egg. And I don’t mean that in the good sense.

Let me give you a little background. There were a number of teams bidding for Lebron James— Chicago, New Jersey (soon to be Brooklyn), New York, Miami, Chicago, and Cleveland. Now. A number of people (the great Bill Simmons) succinctly described Lebron’s position. He could either be a loyal player (stay at Cleveland), he could win, joining another maximum level free agent and All-Star Derrick Rose at Chicago, he could go to New York and join a supporting cast made up of players like Jonathan Bender and Eddy Curry, he could play for the mysterious Russian, the playboy owner of the Brooklyn Nets (Mikhail Prokhorov), or he could go to Miami, a team who dumped their entire payroll for the Great Free Agency Summer of 2010. Granted, they did get Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade, but c’mon. As of now they are in a position to start Joel Anthony as center. That’s right, Joel Anthony. Have you seen him play basketball? It’s like some horrible mixture of this four year old Asian boy I saw dribbling and the trebuchets used at the Siege of Acre in the late 12th century.

So. You have three All-stars, including two of the best players at their position (Wade and James), Chris Bosh, a below average, undersized defender who has a great mid range jump shot and works most effectively from the high post, Mike Miller (who the Heat will most likely sign), and Joel Anthony. Well, I guess they could sign Shaquille O’Neal (environmentally friendly bearded guy), another player that doesn’t really play defense. In any case, you have a situation where a workable (though defensively poor) starting line would have to sustain a large amount of minutes (40+) for the entire season. And in the playoffs. That seems to me like a bad equation. Not only will you have very very expensive players playing large amounts of minutes, but thanks their collective scheming (supposedly they made a pact with Chris Paul at some point during the 2008 Olympics that they would all play together in the NBA), they will each have Eddy Curry sized targets painted on the back of their heads. Everyone in the NBA will want to topple Goliath off their Palm Tree’d (floofy trees!!!) plateau.

Enough background. Lebron James, instead of going to the place where he had the best possible chance to win...

1-consorted with the enemy (the free agency summit)
2-joined a team with three all-stars and 9 minimum salary players
3-devastated the Cleveland economy.

GOOD FREAKING JOB. Whatever Lebron James. Whatever. Your first name may be an iambic foot, but that doesn’t mean you can stick your foot up Cleveland’s spass. Despite how ridiculously large the spasses are, I seriously doubt you can fit your giant foot in…uh..nevermind. I cannot wait for the NBA season. I understand that most of my vast readership probably could care less about the NBA. Well I could care less about you people. The only way this could get better would be if George Mikan came back from the dead and reinstituted the awesome sports goggles club(of which I was a proud member for a short period in junior high).

Awesome.